Under New Management
by SilverOnith
Summary: A theory about how the Elder God got to be in charge, and a way to smash universes with castlevania. *Rating for language* One-shot
1. Under new management

A/N: Finally! Something worth posting! I got this idea while trying to find a way to connect CASTLEFUCKIN'VANIA with Soul Reaver. (I got the clever name from that time the minibosses performed at 'the smell' and one fan shouted out 'castlefuckin'vania', so i'll refer to it as that from now on. It makes it just that more awesome.) Anyway, It's time for your daily dose of WTF-ness.

A/N EDIT: Okay, I really didn't like this chapter, and I recently found my sense of humor (it was hiding along with half a marble, and a dried up 'last' nerve.) So, it's now editing time! I'm probably going to end up in an entirely different direction, so pretty soon the next chapter will be replaced by something completely different.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything here, it all belongs to a retarded bunny named Bertram. *nods stupidly*

________________________

"Do you agree to the terms?" Death held out the parchment menacingly...well, as menacingly one can be while holding partchment. Vlad nodded and reached for his pocket knife.

"What are you doing?" Death asked, just as he was about to slice his wrist.

"I thought it had to be signed in blood."

"Where did you get that idea? You don't have any blood! You're dead! Here, just use ink."

The contract was signed, although when Vlad accidentally knocked over the ink bottle, it blotted out the part where he was allowed to keep a harem.

Death read off the remaining terms.

"Right, so you get to come back as an immortal vampire, raise the dead and creatures of the underworld as your minions, and when someone kills you, your castle and everyone in it comes back every one hundred years, unless otherwise ressurected by insane people. *ahem* (and I also have to be your last defence should someone come to kill you). You on the other hand, have to kill people so that I can have my supply of souls. Deal?"

"Sweet. I think I can live with that."

"Good. Now get out of here and start murdering." Death smacked him across the face with a sacraficial rubber chicken, thus turning him into a vampire, and kicked him ass first into the portal to the mortal plane.

Death shuffled back to his desk and started sifting through papers. "It won't be long untill that anal-dwelling butt monkey establishes an empire. Who in the hell to I get to take over this place while i'm gone? *mumbles* That's what I get for taking jobs in other dimensions..."

Un-able to find his address book of inter-dimensional soul shifters, he slumped down in his favorite chair (designed by H.R Giger, The Aliens guy), and contemplated what to do next. Ripping off a piece of flesh from a 'dead' minion which was somehow near his chair, he dropped it into the fish tank next to him, watching as his pet squid/tentacle monster Zeev devoured it. That one time when that jerk-hole Yivo decided to bugger earth, a giant squid somehow got pregnant, pressed charges, and won. Yivo dumped the kid on him, so now it was his pet.

It was just getting old enough to talk, and often muttered to itself. It was mostly nonsense, apart from the occaisional intelligable word.

"Y'know what?" He mused, pondering the squid. "I bet you could run this place. They always say that people with power should get five-year old minions to point out glaring mistakes in thier plans. Having a five-year old in charge should be completely flawless."

He reached a skeletal hand into the tank, and scooped up the little monster. He plopped it into one of the many chutes used to sort souls, shouting down to his minions for a special treatment.

"HEY! Accelerate this little squid thingy's growth! And make em' at least half-way intelligent! I don't want em' growing up to be an idiot! Send him back up when you're done!"

The imps gave eachother knowing looks, before miscevious smiles spread across thier faces. One got slappped in the face with the squid.

"AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY! I don't want to see another peanutbutter monster as long as i'm dead!"

They all sighed, and attempted to pry the squid from thier co-worker's face.

-------------a few hours later---------------

"So, that's it?"

"Yep."

"Awesome! Although, this god-like power is pretty cool and all, but how can anybody fear me with a name like Zeev?" The young squid was looking over his job description.

"Nobody's supposed to know you're there. Just leave it to thier imaginations. But yeah, I can't have you going around with my name. Let's see, something epic, implies power..." Death went back to shuffling papers. "Ah, here we go. 'Elder God' hasn't been taken yet."

"I was thinking something more like 'RammallamaGod O' DingDong'! Maybe I can ask the Almighty Cheese Llama if I can use his name, or 'Snufflebutt'." He kept on rattling off names.

"'Elder God' it is then..." Death sighed, and filled out the paperwork for new employer of souls.

"Wait here, I'll be right back." Death went through the portal to the mortal plane.

He appeared in what seemed to be a forest. "AH! DEATH! Don't take my soul! I swear i'll stop raping squirells!" A human cowered at his feet.

"What? Squirells? Oh, that's just sick dude!"

The human winced. "Well, I...I have thing for rodents!"

"Ugh. Look, just tell every one you don't need to fear me."

The human stopped cowering. "Wait, does this mean that I can't die?"

"No, fool, you can still die. It's just that your soul will be collected by a squid."

"A squid?"

"You'll know what I mean soon enough. In fact, you'll see in about..." Death looked at his watch. "Five minutes? Maybe less?"

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"Hey, i'd love to stay and chat, but I have to go and... do...stuff. See ya!" And with that, Death banged his staff on the ground and dissapeared with a dull 'pooofing' noise.

The human, which we'll call Walter for the sake of convienience, shrugged, and went on his way to look for more squirells to...ehrm...traumatize. Unfortunately for him, an appprentice of a soceress was trying to hypnotize small animals. The spell went horribly wrong, and an entire pack of squirells were affected.

It didn't go to well for Walter.

-------------------------

Death walked back into his office to find Zeev messing with a few of the souls, snatching them out of the air and stuffing them into...something.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know. I think i'll call it, 'The Wheel Of fate'. I use the random souls floating around here to make it. It's a new sorting system i'm trying out."

Death walked over and inspected it. "So, you operate the whole thing by yourself? No minions or anything?"

"Nope."

"Wait, there are thousands of souls that go through here every minute! How the hell can you handle that?"

Zeev glared at him with one of his many eyes. "Hello? Squid? And I can grow more arms if I need them. DUR!" He accentuated his point with two more tentacles bursting from his side, one of them purpousfully bopping Death in the back of the head.

"Wait a second." Death plucked one of the glowing orbs from the swirling mass. "Don't use this one. This is the soul of Elvis Presley. He's too cool for this dimension."

Death's cell phone started ringing to "penguin attack".

"I'm Death, who the hell are you, and how in the seven hells did you get my number. Oh- Already? *mumbles*(damn these time shifts) Right. Yeah. Uh huh. Sure, I'll be there in a bit. What? Oh, yeah, i'll bring them along too. See ya." He snapped his phone shut.

"Look, I have to go. Don't give anybody any of my stuff, and don't go to the mortal plane unless you absolutely have to. I'll be back to visit in a bit. Good luck."

Death took his scythe, scooped up the Soul Of Elvis The Great, And poofed himself to an alternate universe.

Zeev shrugged, and continued stuffing souls into his wheel. One of them was really hard to catch, and kept on spewing nonsense about tree raping squirells.

___________________

A/N: Right. Next chapter coming soon, provided people can stop being the bad kind of crazy for more than five minutes.


	2. The Giant Booger Man

A/N: Right. 'Under New Management' Will remain by itself as a one-shot, and therefore always complete, but because of a reminder that CastleFUCKIN'vania/Soul Reaver crosovers are extremely rare, I'll continue to post chapters pertaining to the current plot device (i.e yivo's kid being squidman and Death's pet). When I feel like it. But because this is my first posted fic, I don't intend to abandon it for more than a few months. By technicality, it is complete, but i'll keep writing anyway. Just remember to feed Lil' Sluagh every once in a while. He can't live on souls alone y'know. Not this Sluagh.

Disclaimer: I am poor in all aspects, so by technicality, I own the world. Why? Because Jesus said so. So, NYAH!

"What! Why?" Death felt the phantom headache start to tickle his eye sockets.

"Well, because he's so freaking cool!" Dracula looked like he had just gotten an invatation to the first annual Blood Fest, with a cupon for a 20 harem girl. (He still regretted knocking over the ink bottle. 'But all the other vampire overlords had one!' He would whine.)

"Well, you wouldn't be able to use it anyway!" Death argued.

"Please? I promise to go on a village raid tonight if you do. Puh-leeeEEEEEEse?!" He begged, putting on his best puppy faces, which wasn't very pretty in the first place.

It was very painful to hear Dracula whine like that. "Fine," He relented, "Give it here."

Dracula sqeeled like a rabid fangirl, and handed over Fonzie's soul.

Death closed his hand over the soul, and in a completely un-dramatic fasion, it immeadiately turned into a glowing ball of marble.

"Is it done? Lemme see!"

"Ah! No, touchie, just lookie." Death found it easier (and slightly amusing) to talk in simple terms, instead of cryptic metaphors all the time.

Dracula stared at it as if it were The One Ring. "Ohhhh...shiny!" He exclaimed, making a grab for it.

"What did I just tell you?!" Death warned, yanking it away from his reach.

"But it's mine!"

"That's it!" Death hurled it in an undetermined location, not caring where it ended up.

Dracula's expression fell. "Awww..."

"That's what you get for not listening..." Death mumbled under his breath before floating off to his room. He did not want to witness the possibility of the world's most powerful (and not to mention ugly as all hell) vampire crying like a child who's lost his toy. Actually, technically speaking, he IS a child...

--In some undetermined time in the future--

Alucard cut through another swath of skeletons, who were standing around arguing about something called 'football'.

"Alucard! Wait! There's something here in this wall!" Fairy pointed to a small, crater shaped hole in the wall.

It easily crumbled under the force of his blade, revealing a small alcove with a glowing black orb hovering within.

"What is it? I've never seen a relic like this before." Alucard examined it from a distance.

Fairy flipped through her book, which seems to appear out of nowhere at just the right time.

"Well, according to this, it's called the 'Soul Of Fonzie'. There's no real description about it, but it doesn't have any negative side affects."

Alucard shrugged and plucked it from the alcove, watching as he absorbed it.

"I don't feel any different." He said, turning to find out if Fairy had any more information. He nearly crapped his pants when he saw how close Fairy was to his face.

"Um...are you okay? You don't look so good." He noticed the glassy look in her eyes.

"Huh? Yeah, i'm fine. You know...you have the most beutiful eyes..." She mused, going deeper into la la land.

"Maybe you should rest."

"...Uh...huh..." She wasn't really paying attention.

Alucard dismissed the daydreaming fairy, and went on ahead.

--later--

"Alucard...I...love...you..." Maria was also seemingly in this zombified state.

"I think the castle has gotten to your head, Maria." He said, backing away slowly. Maria lurched toward him.

"Yeah...head..."

Then without warning, she tackled him. "MAKE LOVE TO ME, YOU AWESOMELY COOL UBER-FREAK!"

--

Death, given some free time, decided to check up on what's-his-name, and see how well he was running the place.

The office was a mess. The time manipulator was missing a few vital pieces, the rest of the manipulators were trashed, there were papers strewn about, and the little squid was nowhere to be found. Not to mention all of these slimy things hanging off the walls, which he could only assume was either eggs, or lumps of crap.

Furious, he banged his scythe and poofed himself to the mortal realm. Immeadiately after appearing, he was knocked upside the skull by the hilt of a sword. "I thought I told you goddamn cultists to stop coming to my house!"

Death spun around to face the attacker, which happened to be an equally angred, green...thingy. "Do you not realize who you are dealing with mortal!?" He roared in his best demonic voice.

"Huh?"

"I'm Death, you little green monkey shit. Where can I find the Elder God?" Death demanded, feeling around under his hood for any damage. He found a nice gaping hole where a piece of his skull fell in.

"I have no need to fear Death! I am Immortal! Invincible!" The green dude argued, waving his arms about in a chibi fashion.

"Oh yes you will in a moment. But answer my question: Where is the Elder God?"

"Squid Man? Nobody knows. everybody liks to think he's under the pillars, but that's a bunch of bullcrap."

"Right Thanks. By the way, what's your name?"

"Vorador."

"Nice. See ya in a few."

Death teleported to what was obviously the pillars. He tapped around the platform a while with his scythe, smashing a hole through the stone when he came to a hollow spot. Dropping through the hole, he was greeted by a booming voice.

"Who dares enter the lair of the Elder God?!"

"Looks like you took to your name pretty well. Would you mind telling me why you're here, instead of in the office?"

"Death? Well, I needed more room, and I wasn't about to just smash up the place. So I settled for trashing it first." He tossed aside the horn he was using to amplify his voice.

"Well, would it kill you to at least tell me these things first?" Death found that even though it was physically impossible, he had a headache. "Look, I'll let you off the hook this one time. Just do me a favor?"

"Shoot."Loco said, his tentacles waving madly about, plucking souls from here and there, stuffing them into his wheel.

"Can you get this guy called 'Vorador'? He gave me a lovely fracture, and i'd like to return the favor."

"Sure. But I get to bring him back."

"Why?"

"I'm using him for something. Look, i'll have him beheaded, alright?"

"Fair enough." Death heard the familiar whining in his head. "Look, I gotta go. Just...don't create any paradoxes, okay? Some rediculiously insane people come from those. Most of them incredibly stupid."

Death appeared back at Dracula's side. "WHAT! What's with all the whining!?"

Dracula sqeeled again. "SPIDER!"

A/N: Okay, I know it's been a long time, but give me a break. I'm moving, I'm sick, school started, I'm banned, I suck at math and i'm also mandolin impaired. NYAH! Most of it will consist of castlevania, but it will eventually shift into a more balanced ground between the two universes. Most of the castlevania stuff that is influenced by Nosgoth will be in the timeline of Symphony of the night (becuase of all the item use), but there could be some scattered stuff throughout the CV timeline. It'll most likely skip through all of the important parts of Dracula's reign (Like how he got his butt whipped by a girl). Some of it might make more sense as well, because I did my research and actually played the LOK games. Expect the full fan treatment later on. Also, Vorador seems like the kind of guy who knows more than he lets on, so he'll be pretty important for escaping plot holes. "I HOPE SHE MADE LOTSA SPOILAHS!" -alternate Weegee cackles madly


End file.
